When the dark cloud descends

Curious thoughts on dark days

Tis the season

No thunder or noise as the dark clouds descend
with it’s stealth silence thickening the air,
weighing down my soul, cluttering my mind,
it seems as if all I know has turned away.

Slowly, the grief of sudden forgetfulness
the leaves of thought turn from green to brown
I whittle in this changing of season
unmoved, bitterly numbed by the grey wind

The days tumble and spin
I hold for dear life to the playground wheel
of existing, with fleeting breath
I beg it stop, I will it to slow
to ground my feet in stillness
On it goes, until I no longer see outside

My heart calls for the mountains,
for pebbled paths underfoot and trees that listen
of wind with no lies
the embrace of patience from the overland.

I curl tightly to retain my warmth
and wait for laughter and sun upon my skin
Tis the season for rest
for quiet reflection and ease
beneath the frost, the snow, the biting chill

This is my winter song
Where the longing is done
When stones weigh down my lungs.

Leave me where the sky meets land
without ambition, demands, lists.
Let me exhale the heaviness of the dark clouds
as I drink from the silence of streams
where I am one with the season
and I do not need to hurry anymore.

Let my leaves crumble in gentle peace
so I may fall toward the earth, inward once more.

Until this season ends.

-t.j.

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There are times, when life becomes too much, the weight of events, people and things you cannot change is too much to carry. In those times, my heart longs for the mountains, for quiet time. I’ve been struggling with the impact of a head injury, I haven’t felt the same since. It could be, my brain was already battling a disease, it had enough, before it was shook fiercely. I’m alone in this awareness, with the creeping insomnia, nausea until eating is pointless. No longer can I multitask, although my brain battles against this reality.

Some days it feels like I’m losing my mind. Days when the water keeps rising, I’m gasping for air, fumbling for a surface to steady myself. Hope is a slippery task.

I wonder, if you wonder, if the mental load of humanity has been building and increasing, until we can no longer sustain it further?

I’ve noticed of late, answering calls is hard (so I only answer those I worry about if I don’t). Shopping becomes overwhelming, cooking too exhausting. It’s been a really, big year of opening tab, after tab, after tab and I’ve no more room for any more tabs. I put myself in ‘shut down the screen’. I disconnect, long enough to forget about the tabs.

When I’m hiking, there is no reception, my focus returns momentarily. I find my breath, in one foot after the other. There are no thoughts of washing, meeting needs, sorting complexities, cleaning the mess other’s leave behind; I let my soul awaken, my heart reconnect to its body. I arrive and greet myself again, in the solitude.

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Thank you for your support & encouragement, on these cold bitter Victorian days, feel free to shout a coffee!! With gratitude xo