Liar Liar pants on fire

Curious acts of lying

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone’s lie, you may recall how exhausting it can be. It can take, less than 5 seconds for someone to deny the truth and years for you to recover.

Why do people lie?

Turn on the news, listen to politics, stand in a court room; the justice system is jammed packed with liars.

I mean, honestly; does anyone really believe, someone with a pattern and history of harm to others, is going to sit in a seat at either the Police station or before a Magistrate and confess to what they’ve done? Liars, lie.

I’ve seen it all, from fraud, to child abuse, family violence and relationship breakdowns; who ate the chocolate in the fridge? People will lie to avoid accountability for everything from putting the wrong ingredients in a dish, to how much a dress cost, to where they were, ‘she’s just a friend’, to committing crimes.

Lying is used to manipulate, occurs out of impulsivity and self preservation. Liars are scared of the truth. Liars self preserve.

Sometimes, lying may be symptomatic of a personality disorder, to deceive, driven by narcissism and some liars will actually believe themselves.

I have no doubt, despite my uncompromising, stand on your truth as a parent soapbox, my children lied. Lying from 2-3 years of age is a developmental milestone. Sometimes the hard work is in keeping a straight face when a 3 year old has the same face every time, you just know it’s not true. I’d need another piece to write about siblings, righteousness and their truths!

The values children develop as an adult, are etched in childhood experiences, role modelled by their parent/s. Lying is a lesson. All children lie. Your response will lay the foundation of whether it is normalised or not. That’s not to say I got it right. I’m a parent, we rarely get things right.

The point is, I was fully aware lying happens in early childhood and as the children grew older, my challenge was to adapt my parenting to ensure, they grew into adults with truth, honesty, respect and accountability. At least keep trying.

As you get older, life becomes shorter. Lately, I’ve noticed more and more my lack of tolerance for lying.

As a 50 something woman, many may put it down to ‘that stage’ when our bullshit barometer no longer has a purpose.

I’ve worked across professions where lying is far too common; had 2 serious relationships with compulsive liars, been on the receiving end of individuals trying to avoid the truth. I’m a lover of the truth.

Although, please don’t confuse your truth, with mine. Telling someone your opinion, expressing bias judgement, isn’t ‘the truth’, it just belongs to you. Having different perspectives on the same event is normal. Not lying, just different points of views.

I have a limited bucket of energy, avoiding stress is good for my wellbeing. Lies are stressful.

I’ve reached a point, when I no longer have the energy, to reinforce utter bullshit or excuse it, for any other reason than to remove yourself from harmful situation; immediately harmful. If you have time to plan, have 6 months or 6 years up your sleeve, you have no excuse for lying. I don’t want to hear it anymore.

Grow some values. Start with trust, truth, honesty.

When can lying be acceptable?

I was 18 years old, walking through Paris as a young Aussie backpacker when a tall, young man approached me.

He began asking questions, “where are you going”, “where are you staying”, “do you have any money”. I told him I was meeting friends and swiftly struck up conversation with the first, random tourist couple. When I turned around, he was gone. I was travelling solo.

As humans, we are wired for lying and hardwired for survival. That means, lying is not compulsory.

Lying, just like many other aspects of human development, is shaped by our experience and lying is not the only fear response we have in our survival toolkit.

Many of those survival instincts were essential for our species to evolve, our survival toolkit developed way before our capacity for higher level thinking. Our amygdala, fear detector, is designed to process far more than just danger, with the capacity for detecting what is relevant and what is not.

Lying is not essential. It’s a habit built by reinforcement.

That little almond shaped amygdala in our brain, may have a critical role in triggering the fear responses; fight, flight, freeze or fawn, it is also used in memory and processing of emotions.

You don’t have to lie. Thinking before responding, before reacting, is also impacted by evolution and learning.

So if your adult liar tries to tell you “I can’t help it”, how do they know they can’t?

Number 1 in the Liars rule book, avoid accountability.

Getting a little side-tracked….

Around 2 - 3 years of age children begin learning how to tell a lie. Lots of factors influence lying, including the social environment; the power of family and friends. A parent who lies, as your first teacher, could reinforce lying as a normal response to any and all behaviours. Some parents even encourage secrets, not to tell, commit acts of criminal behaviour.

We finally arrive at my curious wondering, why do people lie?

1. Avoidance (as one of 4 functions of behaviour) is one of the most common forms of lying.

If you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, want to avoid the results (maybe whatever it was, will be harder to deal with than owning up). Children commonly lie at key milestones of early childhood. The adult version, will depend on the social acceptance of lying as the child grows up, the consequences of lying, moral values, motivations and psychological factors. Avoiding consequences of criminal activity, will lead those facing the law to lie. Avoiding responsibility is a primary motivator.

2. Safety

Fear drives a quick response, underpins survival.

I once told someone, in a threatening situation, I had already called the police. I hadn’t. It was enough to de-escalate a serious situation at the time.

Some may try to tell you, an unfaithful partner lies for fear of the outcome. That’s not fear, it’s manipulation and avoidance of accountability. Fear is the belief you will be harmed, not divorced. Know the difference.

Fear of losing someone is not fear. It’s loss of control over their life. Fear is a threat of harm.

3. Manipulation

Liars want something, maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s your money, your house, your life.

Scammers lie. Gaslighters lie. As a form of psychological manipulation, gaslighting is denial; something was said or promised. Gaslighting is rooted in lying and manipulation.

4. Self-serving

There is always something in it for the liar. Whether it’s to gain something, avoid a reaction or the truth, be accountable; lying is at the core an act of self-serving. Protecting the self from harm using lying, is self-serving, you want to protect yourself. Lying has an evolutionary purpose.

Lying is a choice, use it wisely. Protecting yourself does not need to hurt others.

5. Social conformity

I wondered if this really sits best under self-serving, after all, lying to fit in with others, serves a purpose, to engage in pretending, be someone they are not.

This is could be anything from pretending to a a natural health guru to sell your products to vulnerable people on line, taking advantage of someone’s trust, to lying to your children, your wife and girlfriend (all at the same time), when you lack the courage to be truthful or accountable.

Social conformity is connected to self-worth. If this is you, seek professional help.

While being deceitful, is an early childhood, developmental milestone; so is pooping your pants, learning to use the potty, use a toilet, hold your own spoon, walk, run, balance and be a nice friend. Role modelling to children, a safe, supportive environment, where honesty is demonstrated, where children can speak freely, underpins the foundations of adults who know the difference between a lie and the truth.

You want children to be truth tellers. To speak up, to tell you when they are at risk and groomed to be silent.

Never encourage lying. Whether it’s fraudulent behaviour, secrets, withholding information from the other parent. Role modelling lying is one of the strongest foundations, of the adult who lies comfortably.

I heard a liar once say “It’s only a lie if they know”. The first lie was to themselves, the 2nd to deceive their partner.

There is nothing more hurtful than being lied to by someone you have invested your time, energy and love into.

As we grow older, our capacity for honesty is rooted in the lessons we’ve learned about lying, the consequences of lying and trust in others. Experiences of mistrust, particularly those resulting in painful and traumatic experiences, can erode trust. Repeated lying can easily become pathological, underpinning low self worth, trauma, personality disorders and need for attention.

Which leads me to a curiosity for another time.

I have been on the receiving end of many a lie, small and great, is it my childhood values which continues to keep my trust, honesty, respect for others, feet on the ground?

How did I become a truth seeker? Where do those values stop and start?

Can a compulsive liar be reformed?

The responsibility is not weighted against parents. Every environmental stimulus; family, friends and those who know an individual lies and does nothing about it, reinforces it.

Where reinforcement goes, behaviour flows.

What should you do if you encounter a liar?

If you experience, as I have recently, the impact of lying, save your energy.

When someone shows you who they are, listen. It’s not an amber alert, this isn’t optional, it’s a red flag.

A lack of honesty, is someone telling you, their self worth is so low, they have so little respect for you, lying is far easier than the honesty you are worth.

If you have dietary needs and someone lies about putting it in the ingredients, they care so little about your health or wellbeing, their behaviour is showing you, lying is far easier than caring about your health.

Let them show you who they are.

If you are in a workplace, speaking up about poor conduct or worse, if you are being bullied as a result of speaking up, facing adverse action which appears as false rebuttal, allegations; that’s a workplace not worthy of your values. The only thing to shift their behaviour will be consequences. Use the law.

Take note…

Losing your temper on a pathological liar, is waste of your effort. Your best approach is to expect denial, don’t engage in the conversation and remember, what they say tells their story, not yours.

If someone is prepared to lie to you about something small, chances are they won’t be telling you the hard truth when it really matters, for life changing decisions.

Habits are difficult to break, when hardwired. Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), also referred to as sociopathy, is known for manipulative and compulsive lying, deceitfulness, recklessness, a complete disregard for the rights of others.

Lying can become serious, so serious, medical and psychiatric intervention is required.

Exploiting and controlling others, takes many forms. Bullies lie. Unfaithful partners lie. Friends (who are not really friends) lie. A disregard for the law? Tendency to lie (particularly to themselves). Avoiding accountability (irresponsible, abusive, take advantage of vulnerable people), liars.

The only pants on fire around a liar, is your own.

Stay safe and surround yourself with truth tellers.

Don’t engage. Distance yourself. Smile and wave.

Go with your gut. You could watch all the CSI episodes and as someone who works with liars, the science is not 100%. There are some damn good liars out there. Listen to that somatic alarm bell going off in your body and as a previous boss would say “then go get your evidence” or if a partner, just leave.

Believe a person, when they show you who they really are.

There is no simple way to detect a liar, some indicators (as those below), however, I would suggest listen to the amber flag flapping in your face.

Yes that one!

It’s not optional. Just like the street like, it’s a warning sign. A red flag is on its way.

Get out of its way.

I’ve had to learn some of my lessons the hard way & I’m still learning, it’s still painful.

I’m very choosey about close friends and who I share my red jar stories with. My trust has been broken so many times, not so much I would allow someone so dishonest, with so little regard or respect for people they pretend to care about, to have my energy (or my joy or happiness).

Remember - Go with your gut instinct.

1. Liars are vague

   You will ask a question, they’ll avoid the answer.

   They’ll only share as much as they think you need to know.

   A liar gives few details (it’s still lying).

2. Liars break up their sentences into fragments.

3. Liars often fidget; with themselves, their phone, something to distract. Liars will ‘tune out’.

4. Liars may repeat the question you asked before they answer. (prompt themselves)

5. If you challenge a story (think safety first), liars sound rehearsed.

6. Remove the power, agree “you could be right about that”

7. Leave the situation, end the relationship (be safe).

8. Protect your energy.

   People will always see one event from different perspectives (it’s why police gather all the evidence, not just a piece of it). You can validate someone else’s experience, without invalidating your own. This is not the same as someone out right lying, distorting the truth of events to suit their own need (avoid accountability, responsibility or it’s too hard to face their own truth).

9. “Your overreacting” “Your too sensitive” “Your too emotional”, “You don’t have depression, you are just a drama queen”.

   These statements can leave you, questioning who you are, what is wrong with you, undermining your self worth, invalidating your health & wellbeing - is GASLIGHTING. Recognise it and put that flame out before it burns you.

10. You are not a liar whisperer.

    It is not your problem or role to ‘fix’ the liar. “Maybe they don’t know”, in very few cases, this could be true. I repeat, this is not your problem, you are not their psychiatrist or their medical practitioner and if you were, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them.

    They need help and you can’t help, you can support, with information. Let them show you who they are. If they cannot access help, do not become an enabler or reinforcer of their behaviour. Step aside.

There is normal milestone development childhood and then there is harmful, hurtful, manipulative lying which destroys lives as adults. There are scammers, gaslighters, emotional and psychological abuse, which leaves you without trust, cracks in your self worth and questioning everything.

Exhale loud. Lots of breaths, count them, exhale while humming, until there is no sound left. Repeat and repeat.

Give yourself time to heal.

You will grieve the loss of trust. It is a fundamental human need and it will hurt like hell when the reality hits.

Grieve. Loudly and with purpose. It is your right to grieve.

Let that shit go (the liar I mean).

Surround yourself with people who understand. Limit those who judge or assume anything other than empathy and compassion.

I believe in you. In your capacity to go down the centre of this pain and out the other side.

The sun will keep rising. So will you.