Holding space

What does it mean to be fully present?

“To truly hold space for another, we must be willing to sit with them in their pain without trying to fix it.”
— Heather Plett

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What Does It Mean to Hold Space for Someone?

If I had a dollar for every time a yoga or wellness coach told me to “stay present,” I’d be a wealthy person by now.

But what if you’re not quite sure what that even means? You are in the present, right?

There’s no shortage of information out there; articles, videos, Instagram quotes, too often aimed at those already fluent in the language of mindfulness. For everyone else, it can feel a bit like trying to join a conversation halfway through.

And while learning to hold space for yourself can be challenging, holding space for someone else is an entirely different skill, one that’s not always easy to develop.

I’ve always loved conversation, the kind that’s deep, meaningful, and full of shared wisdom around a kitchen table. I notice pauses and instinctively lean in, ready to share. Just last weekend, for example, my daughter and I were sitting in a park when a couple asked if we were done with the chairs. We were. What followed was a spontaneous hour-long conversation that spanned everything from art to politics to parenting and nature. Strangers at first; unlikely acquaintances by the end.

Being present seems simple, but it’s not always easy, especially for those of us who thrive on words, energy, and fast thinking dialogue. And not everyone finds it natural to walk up to a stranger and dive into connection.

Right now, I'm experiencing a shift in how I communicate, my verbal speed is slower than usual. It’s been fascinating to notice how some people assume that slow speech means slow thinking. It doesn’t. But it does require presence, patience on both sides and it’s taught me a lot about what it really means to hold space.

To hold space for someone is to be fully present emotionally, mentally, sometimes even physically without judgment, without trying to fix, and without making it about you. It means creating a safe, compassionate environment where the other person feels truly seen and supported, especially when they’re vulnerable.

This takes awareness of your own triggers, of when and how to engage, and of what might get in the way. Being present means recognising the impact of distractions like fatigue, illness, or substances. (Courage is not the same as being under the influence.)

If you're like me, a fast processor, enthusiastic, conversational, you might find yourself jumping into a conversation too early, eager to contribute, or worried you’ll forget your point. That’s a sign you're not fully present. (Cue the “Aha!”moment.)

Holding space is a two-way exchange, not just about offering quiet, it’s about being tuned in. And it's not always simple. Cultural differences, poor impulse control, or even misreading cues can lead to unintentional interruptions. Sometimes, it’s not a lack of respect, it’s a lack of awareness.

And awareness takes practice.

Like a muscle, the ability to hold space gets stronger the more you use it. If you haven’t exercised that part of your brain before, it might feel uncomfortable at first, but keep at it. Over time, it becomes one of the most meaningful gifts you can offer another human being: your full, grounded presence.

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Holding space

Listening without interrupting or offering solutions

Let them express themselves fully, even if it’s messy or uncomfortable, without jumping in to “solve” or give advice.

Being non-judgmental

Avoid criticism, assumptions, or trying to frame their experience through your own lens. Just let them be.

Allowing emotions without trying to control them

Let them cry, get angry, or be silent. You don’t need to change how they feel—just acknowledge it’s valid.

Being patient and present

Give your full attention, avoid distractions, and don’t rush the moment.

Supporting autonomy

Don’t take over or try to direct their journey. Trust that they have the capacity to make their own choices, even if they’re struggling.

Offering gentle support if asked

If they want help or reflection, offer it with care and consent—not as a way to "fix" them.

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Holding space in times of grief

If a friend is grieving, holding space might mean sitting with them in silence, letting them talk without trying to cheer them up (bring the tissues),simply saying, “I’m here with you.”

Resist the nurturing urge to ‘fix it’.

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Benefits

Holding space fosters trust, connection, and healing—often more than advice or action ever could.

The patience you display with others fosters emotional regulation (prefrontal cortex), empathetic resonance (insula, mirror neurons), and self-awareness. It’s an act of both cognitive and emotional presence, requiring you to pause your own reactions in service of someone else's process.

These regions are connected to empathy, self-regulation, and emotional intelligence.

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The Importance of Silence

Silence in conversation often feels uncomfortable, even awkward. But when used with intention, it becomes one of the most powerful and compassionate tools in communication, especially in trauma-informed practice.

It’s been decades since I completed training in the investigation of sexual abuse and physical harm. For six weeks, my colleagues and I immersed ourselves in a program that alternated between intensive learning and field application. We’d spend a week in training, then a week back at work to apply what we had learned.

Each return trip from the city brought more than just a box of our favourite donuts, for my family. It brought insights into the complexity of human communication. How we speak. How we listen. and, more importantly, how we wait.

I’m not perfect at it. Like most people, I’ve had moments I wish I could rewind, times I spoke too soon, filled the silence too quickly, or misunderstood what someone really needed in that moment. But reflection is where growth begins. And one of the most important things I’ve learned is this:

When someone is in pain, it’s not about you.

In trauma-informed practice, silence isn’t passive. It’s an active choice to hold space without pressure, to allow someone to own their story, and to give them the time they need to find their words, or sit in their emotions without being rushed.

This kind of silence requires patience. The kind that waits through tears. The kind that can sit beside discomfort without needing to fix it. The kind that trusts people to move at their own pace.

It also requires humility. To step back. To resist the urge to fill the void with your own voice or your own need to feel helpful. Trauma-informed communication recognises that people, especially those who’ve been hurt, need safety, not solutions. They need presence, not performance.

In a world that often rewards quick responses and constant talking, silence can feel like a rebellion. But it’s in those quiet spaces that trust can grow. That people can feel truly seen, not analysed. Heard, not hurried.

So, no, silence isn’t always easy. But when we practice it with care, patience, and intention, it becomes one of the most healing things we can offer another human being.

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Hold the Silence
(A poem on patience and holding space)

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Do not rush the rising tide,
nor hush the heavy rain.
Some hearts must break in silence
before they speak their pain.

Don’t fill the room with answers
when no question has been asked
just offer them your presence,
a hand, a heart, a maskless mask.

Stay where the ache is deepest,
where words may never come.
Sit softly in the sorrow,
be the breath when they have none.

This is not your story
to edit or explain.
It’s not your place to hurry
what’s still moving through their pain.

Patience is a quiet gift,
not loud, not proud, not fast
It listens with its whole self,
and lets the silence last.

So hold the space with kindness,
no timeline, fix, or goal
Sometimes the deepest healing
is just letting someone unfold.

xo Tuls

Feel free to buy a budding writer a coffee! Extremely grateful xo