Curiosity or fear, or both?
Is there more to fear than fear itself?
This week’s curiosity has been rooted in fear & anxiety.
Despite a plethora of information on human development, trauma & the fear response, ignorance seems wide spread. Fear is misunderstood, mislabelled, mistreated & worst, increased by the poor response to early warning signs.
Roosevelt’s famous quote, suggests the only thing to fear, is fear. Does this imply the root of fear is nothing compared to the feeling of fear, I wonder.
What if I asked a 3 year old child, who has been physically harmed or a victim of cumulative years of family violence? What if we asked the suffering, the hurt & struggling?
I step onto the path of learning more about fear.
Understanding the impetus of fear is a key to understanding anxiety. So how is it possible, to connect authentically with others in times of stress, suffering, worry, anxiety or fear, if there is no compassion for their experience?
What happens when judgement or assumptions take up compassion’s space?
Despite your thoughts about someone’s anxiety or fears, we can’t possibly know it all. We won’t know the moment fear set fire to a once stable, consistent & predictable life.
We can’t possibly capture the extent to which it impacted on an individual’s internal alarm system. Many a therapist will try. Facts are not the same as feelings.
Trauma is not a wound to squeeze the pus from, to aide it’s healing. At minimum, let’s not forget, the human brain is hard wired for fear. Fear is real.
Fear is not a social construct, not a fairytale or make belief. Fear is real, very, very real.
At 2-3 years of age the human brain reaches a peak in wiring up for life.
A child in the early years of development has twice the synapses (the site of transmission of electric nerve impulses) as an adult. After the brain reaches its peak synapse production, it begins pruning the unnecessary, unused synapses; it begins shaping the brain for adulthood.
Pruning continues right up until the early 20’s. It is thought the front part of the brain (pre frontal cortex) ceases pruning around 25 years of age.
Not only can the amygdala hijack the part of our brain used for problem solving (when it needs all the brain’s resources to high tail it out of somewhere or be compliant in order to survive), this part of the brain is still in it’s development stage right up until the mid 20’s.
Fear is not only real, it’s an essential part of our brain’s development. To think logically & rationally about fear would seem an unfair expectation of a child or teen, when the part required in the brain, doesn’t fully develop until mid-20’s!
Regardless of advances in science, in knowledge or practice, I see professionals well resourced with trauma informed guides, with little to no idea how apply this knowledge to practice.
Unravelling the tight knot of fear evoking anxiety, requires specialist patience, care & planning. Not a quick fix activity, a ‘grow up’ or ‘just try it’ ‘stop whining’ attitude. Not only is this unhelpful, it can increase & strengthen the intensity of the anxiety, creating a more heightened response to stressful or potentially dangerous events perceived by the child.
Adult perception is a wonderful thing (at times). However, children do not have adult perception, they have developing brains. A few metres off the ground to an adult is a completely different experience for a child.
In nearly 40 years of supporting children & families, it never ceases to amaze me, how often I witness ignorance when it comes to childhood trauma.
Unsafe is unsafe.
It’s been a year since the ‘man vs bear’ discussion hit social media & many still can’t grasp how fear is conditioned, why a woman feels far safer with a bear in the wild, than being approached by an unknown male.
The experience doesn’t have to be replicated to feel exactly the same. Fear can arise from being outside a comfort zone. Anxiety can take root in multiple situations, where safety triggers the alarm bell in the brain.
The key for family, friends & professionals, is patience & understanding, while the individual, carefully with sensitivity, is supported to de-activate over reactive fear centres of the brain.
Do you think you could be more curious next time a child or adult displays fear or is anxious? Remain curious when a friend, family member or colleague behaves outside their norm, long enough to hold space with compassion? Are you curious to know more about fear & its innate purpose?
With fear being essential to our survival, there are many common fears among human beings, including;
Death
Illness
Heights
Flying
Spiders
Enclosed spaces
Social situations
Dogs
Public speaking
Thunder storms / severe weather
Looking at this list, I can relate to a number of those fear inducing situations.
Over time I’ve learned to carefully place spiders in containers & then outside, although many a time the bed seemed the safest place to be (have you seen the size of the Australian huntsman!).
I learned with the support of a mentor, to speak confidently in front of thousands, I began with having someone stand right behind my back, so close I could feel their hand’s clasped in front of their waist. I might have hid behind a podium, I spoke loud & clear about the ‘myths, lies & stereotypes of sexual violence’ so confidently, I spent the year at further engagements. One in which a 93 year old approached me later to disclose what fear had kept silent nearly an entire life.
I’m a dog lover, yet not all dogs, one bite to the bottom from a friend’s German Shepherd & chased far too many times to recall.
I’ve taken the crack & bang of unexpected childhood thunder storms, to learn how to be better prepared when the ants start moving fast, settle children before it hits the tin roof, put on a movie, listen to music, distract ourselves.
I live with an incurable disease, faced down cancer with a child & I challenge myself to be curious about anxiety when it arises in my body about my illness (where does it speak from? how does it feel? what is going on in that moment to trigger anxiety?). Not to mention, stress triggers relapses. Staying in the present is critical for wellbeing.
Fear arises in me differently, depending on the situation.
Fear for many individuals across the world is without option. Fear equals suffering, pain, hurt or harm.
In 2020 the United Nations Office on Drugs & Crime reported more than 47,000 girls / women had been killed by intimate partners or family members. A woman or girl is killed every 11 minutes around the world.
There is a family violence crisis across the world & I’ll leave that to many others, to explain why.
I know from the experience of being struck by a child in the face, then falling backwards, where I hit my head hard & became unconscious, I never lost my joy of supporting children. However, a week later my heart rate rapidly escalated to 158 bpm during a mildly challenging event with children.
As van der Kolk stated ‘the body keeps the score’.
The little red heart on my smart watch was flashing brightly. At the time I was responding to the moderate challenges of childhood behaviours. There was no risk of another head injury.
Despite the lack of immediate threat, my body had remembered & triggered the alarm, my heart was already racing before my awareness. A physiological response had absorbed more information than rationale thought, my body felt unsafe.
Think about it.
How incredible is our body! What a design! Do you know any other alarm system so uniquely designed.
Living with multiple sclerosis, if I experience too much stress, if the damaged nerves are overwhelmed, parts of my body power down. I lose movement, my speech is unclear, I experience numbness, tingling, a tremor; among many MS symptoms. I am now beginning to embrace this in unison with my body, as a warning sign, while living with remitting & relapsing MS.
I have periods of remission. The key is to stay there. Time to slow down, take a break, avoid stress, reflect on what can I do differently. I don’t want more lesions in my central nervous system. No job or relationship is worth the spread of disease stealing your independence.
I’m still a bit curious about what you know about fear.
How many (without specialising in this area) of readers out there, know about the parts of their brain wired for a fear response?
In my experience, even those with this knowledge need ongoing, regular professional development & support to fully grasp how unique, individualised or specific is our fear response centre.
We exist in these homes we call a body, mind & soul, with random strangers, politicians, family or friends passing judgement on our fears or anxieties, without a clue why, sometimes we might not even know ourselves.
We all have fears, whether these are observable or covert. These fears vary greatly from the top most common, to individualised experiences. When then would anyone judge negatively another person’s anxiety or fear?
Judgement is usually a skill, reserved for those with the capacity for making informed decisions. If the opinion about someone else’s fears or anxieties is uninformed, how can it be logical or even accurate?
Judgement provides opportunities to shape our beliefs & actions. It can also underpin bias, assumption & ignorance. Fear, alongside anxiety are inundated with ignorance.
Judgement is wasted when it is used against fear or anxiety without informed decision making.
Fear is a primal emotion.
Inside this incredible human brain, is our amygdala. A pair of almond shaped pieces in the temporal region of the brain, with a primary purpose, to process emotions, especially fear & anxiety; for social behaviour, emotional regulation.
Our brain is wired for fear processing.
Fear is closely paired with anxiety (even when you may not be conscious of why you feel anxious).
Both have roles in triggering a cascade of chemical reactions in the body, when the brain perceives a threat; the alarm bell is activated, triggering the bodies fight & flight response.
The amygdala sends an alert to the hypothalamus, in turn passes the signal to the sympathetic nervous system ‘turn on those adrenal glands’ is coded for sh** is going down, get this body moving.
The siren is on.
The stress hormones like cortisol & adrenaline are released.
Our blood pressure rises alongside the breathing rate. Blood flows faster throughout the body making it far easier for the body to move. The increased cariac response makes energy more accessible when you need it most (why my heart started to beat faster when my body sensed challenging children’s behaviours).
The brain processes the threat faster than you, have time to realise what is occurring.
Our experiences shape our fear responses. Childhood experiences, social events, traumatic & information pathways, all contribute to how our brain perceives harm. Our personality, past experiences & psychological states all play a role in processing fear.
There are 4 fear responses, referred to as the 4F’s.
Fight - may respond with physical or verbal response
Flight - Hide, distance, remove yourself
Freeze - Immobility, unable to move
Fawn - Avoid conflict by appeasing, being compliant
This is where judgement is not only ignorant, it is also unhelpful.
Our ability to think logically, higher levels of thinking, problem solving & reasoning in the prefrontal cortex, where we use our higher level thinking has been taken over by the urgency of the amygdala.
The fear response is to act fast. Respond as quickly & effectively as possible. Like the fire station alarm being overheard across a community or sirens on the road, telling other users to move out of the way. The amygdala steps up to take the lead.
Those trained to act under stressful situations, are taught how to respond quick, fast & accurately, despite the sensations in their body.
However, human beings are not designed to constantly put our brain under pressure to ignore unsafe situations, to overwork, suppress or control the fear response. As we know more, we have the capacity to do more. Now we need more science on how to turn off the exhausted brain in victims of trauma, emergency responders, aide workers, health professionals, those working day in day out, in highly stress inducing environments where there is risk to their safety & training requires ignoring somatic responses in the body to unsafe situations. Someone has to do it, right?
Personality expression & social appropriateness as functions of the prefrontal cortex can also become impaired when feeling unsafe.
This might we worth remembering, why a person in a fearful state may not act as they usually would, say things they might normally say or respond inappropriately.
In highly stressful states where the muscles tense, physiological reactions include a relaxing of the sphincter, resulting in involuntary urination. If you observe this happening, know this person is incredibly fearful.
When you notice a friend or colleague responding, outside their norm in highly stressful situation, don’t ask “why did they not….”, they were not thinking, their brain is busy with alert mode. The part they need to make carefully process socially appropriate responses, is disengaged.
Fear serves a purpose.
Survival
Heightened awareness
Avoid harm
Learn about danger for future reference
Social connection
Boundary setting
To keep us safe
Key points to remember about fear -
No two human brains are the same.
Every person experiences their world differently, even if siblings, relatives, close friends, colleagues.
No two people will have identical experiences from the same event.
Why anyone would judge another’s person’s fear makes little sense.
Be curious, stay alert. Be just as concerned about a lack of response than an inappropriate one.
There are individuals who may not respond to threats or fearful stimuli. Medical conditions can impair the brain’s processing of unsafe situations, in the same way it can increase the brain’s response to threats, to become more perceptive & quick to respond.
Trauma can increase the amygdala’s sensitivity to fear, observed through hyper vigilance. With the prefrontal cortex sitting in the backseat, the amygdala is up front & centre, this makes rational responses difficult, even when a sound or smell triggers heightened anxiety.
Adrenaline seekers, who push the fear limits, have been shown to demonstrate low levels of tolerance for those who experience valid fears (probably not the best to enter counselling roles then?).
Therefore an overload of too much fear can be unhealthy.
No fear can also be unhealthy.
The human brain is wired for a level of fear to keep us safe.
There may be some wondering, ‘what about when fear is irrational?’. I’m not hear to write a thesis on fear today & would like to remind you to go back & read again the section where my body responded to a perceived threat, when I was completely unaware my heart was racing, if it were not for the watch, I would have had no idea the fear centre had activated.
To you a fear may appear irrational.
To the person sensing their body, responding to the racing heart beat, the sweaty palms, tense muscles, shaking/trembling, goosebumps, pale skin, even loss of pain receptors can occur, fear is very real. They can feel it.
When I was 16 I had a horse riding accident.
Up until the day of the accident, Anzac Day, the ambulance had to disrupt the parade; I had no hesitation in riding any horse. I had no fear of jumping, or riding fast or slow, of competing; saddling up for the day & heading as far from home as I could remember, in order to return before nightfall. I always found comfort in being alone in the bush more than surrounded by urban noise.
40 years have passed this week, since that accident.
I still have a few small scars where gravel, tore through my favourite jeans & a Leif Garrett glittered, iron-on singlet top (yep no sleeves), there was little to protect the skin of my arm. Forty years later, the elbow scar has nearly faded.
The moment I am near horses, the smell, sound, energy; I sense joy.
I’ve never gone back to riding the way I did before 16. It was never the same.
A clinical psychologist friend, near retirement, once stated, I am the most psychologically resilient person they’ve ever known. There are not many experiences, which hold me back from getting on with living a full, authentic life, despite the road blocks, speed bumps, challenges & obstacles. Life goes on.
In January 2025, tired of waiting for someone to come with me, I strapped on my pack & hiked solo for 6 days in the Tasmanian wilderness. I’ve travelled many parts of the world alone. This I knew before leaving, would push me outside my comfort zone.
I planned well, I packed well. I carried a personal location beacon. I made friends along the trail. I never felt more safe in my life, despite up to hours at times from seeing another human.
When my children had me climbing trees & adventuring in the highlands of Scotland, I pulled on my straps & got on with it (despite the tree hugging parts). I still haven’t jumped from a plane, I have stood in a pool with sharks & stingrays, touched the incredible texture of a snake (even as my fingers trembled).
The older I get, the shorter life becomes, the death of family & friends, I am curious to explore as much of this remarkable existence we call human life, wherever that may be.
I will not be dictated by fear, I do however respect it.
I take chances, bought a Harley in my 40’s, I travel as much as I can. There is a sense of achievement from extending past irrational fear or anxiety & I won’t say it is easy.
The Dalai Lama states, we can choose to allow our circumstances to soften us rather than harden.
Supporting a loved one, friend or colleague who has experienced real, life threatening, scary situations, which can result in physical harm or psychological harm or both; is about patience.
It takes time to disengage the amygdala.
Not an hour, not today, not even tomorrow. Sometimes years.
It may never fully leave the body. A lesson learned stays for life.
It takes courage to explore your fears & yet it is not essential. Don’t let anyone tell you what to tolerate or endure, it is your pain, your suffering & your life.
However, you might want to consider how much anxiety is impacting your life.
If debilitating, creating discomfort, affecting relationships negatively, or preventing you from living a full authentic life, discussing your experience of fear & anxiety (not necessarily what occurred) with a professional, can place you on a better path towards wellbeing. There is hope.
Fear might be hard wired, although, it is only 1 part of a very intricate, awe inspiring body you have.
There is also safety, confidence & calm, the other side of fear.
No one can do it for you. This is your body, your experiences, your memories.
It doesn’t mean the people around you get off free. With their help, they can hold you accountable for your responses. Violence, abuse, projecting your emotional dysregulation onto others, is never Ok.
Learn about fear. Read about it, learn about your body, brain & how it works. Get to know yourself.
Maybe you could try 1 thing for 1 week or 1 month.
Chip away at re aligning your fear centre to work more effectively.
Take it slow. You don’t need to fully disarm your amygdala, it serves a survival purpose. Seek out professional support.
Over the years I’ve utilised the following to manage anxieties or fear, to respond to stressful situation -
Remove stimulants from my diet (sugar / caffeine / alcohol)
Walk every day / exercise / restorative yoga
Get outdoors / ‘go bush’
Play with my dog
Keep a journal / write
Meditate
Regular check ups GP / seen a Naturopath
See a therapist (counsellor / social worker / psychologist)
Be picky about my friends (those I can trust to be myself)
Appreciate my whole being (warts & alls) as not the whole me, parts that make up a whole. All are just as important
Sometimes the simple act of breathing deeply & consciously into my diaphragm, blowing up my tummy like a balloon; let the belly button rise to the ceiling & gently return towards the spine, following the inward / outward flow, can be enough to re align my response to how my body feels, when survival mode is triggered.
Sometimes even breathing takes effort. Instead, I put myself into ‘viparita karani’ or legs up the wall. I place my hip to the side of the wall, then swing up my legs, with my bottom touching the edge or beginning of where the floor meets the wall. I adjust to be comfortable & I rest. I linger there & rest.
Calming the amygdala, particularly those who have learned to turn it off all together or have over active amygdala’s, need to fuel their body & brain with gentle, nurturing self-love.
Begin with healthy food, good people, positive experiences, an environment conducive to improved health. We can learn to soften as the Dalai Lama stated, after stressful events, rather than ‘harden up’, which is no more helpful than thinking fear has no purpose.
One last thing….
I found this a little heavy to write about, I took multiple breaks over days.
Go easy on yourself, go easy on others.
Try getting to know yourself more, listen to how your body feels, make friends with this home for your heart, mind & soul.
Hopefully my curious wandering through fear, may inspire you to be less critical of the fear expressed or their anxieties, be more curious (if appropriate) & compassionate.
Stay safe.
xo Tuls
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You can buy me a coffee xo Thanks for walking the path of curiosity with me.
