An oath to curiosity

How to stay present, to listen like it truly matters; use more than my ears to learn? How can I let go of the toxic expectations of multi tasking & turn ordinary moments into doors?

A friend called the other day after reading a post.

“What does this curiosity mean? Do you mean being present?”

I contemplated how strange, to have curiosity accessible & not understand its purpose.

Yes, it is about being present.

It’s about taking notice.

Sounds easy enough.

Why do we cease to take notice of the obvious?

Curiosity is resisting the expectations of juggling. Multi tasking has become so tolerated, juggling too many tasks has now been softened, to ease the burden, by calling it creative.

There is something avoidant about placing soft words alongside toxic behaviour, to lessen the unease. Maybe it’s to recondition our level of acceptance & tolerance.

Psychologists know this discomfort well. Those ‘gut feels’, when you know your life choices are feeling more like a ticket you didn’t buy on a roller coaster. It’s called ‘cognitive dissonance’, as you move to justify, rationalise & avoid. It pairs itself alongside your shift to tolerate the toxic risk of burnout, ill health, stress & unhappiness. That discomfort, is your body speaking to you as it rubs your values up the wrong way.

The same apprehension when someone lies so easily to you (you know you deserve better & you accept less).

Those moments when your body aches for you to stay in bed rather than go to work (before you begin telling yourself all the reasons you like your job, we have bills to pay, right!).

There is no rush here. You are not a puzzle to fix or problem to solve. A being born for curiosity.

What instead of rejecting, escaping or suppressing the discomfort, you pulled up a chair, sat with it a while. What if you were curious?

We arrive unto this wildly place & all going in the same direction.What’s the hurry, always planning ahead? How much energy do you spend preparing, compared to the time spent in the here, right now?

Breathe. Stop, pause.

Pull to side of this crazy life & feel the breath all the way from your nostrils to your diaphragm, fill up your lungs, then let it go. We are the only species, who needs to be taught how to do more, than shallow breathe.

Breathe as if the air you inhales softening every part of your body. Not like you are sprinting or waiting to die. Breathe like your lungs, brain, heart, soul; every ounce of your being needs it.

I’ve been ticking off stress, like it’s a board game & I’m out front thus far. I have to stop rushing or accepting work which contradicts my heart centred values. I need to let go of hoarding relationships which bring nothing except suffering, even when ended.

I need to exhale so deeply, the ocean shifts in volume, from the weight I carry, from all I let go.

It’s time to be Tully in the raw.

I want to radicalise my attention (obviously not at the same time, that would be multi tasking!).

I set my sights on reducing overthinking & reflect on the missed the numerous, opportunities. I want to learn curiosity isn’t to be feared or in danger of piercing my vulnerability. It is closing the gate to only existing, then opening another to thriving.

Curiosity is a gift of discovery, a present filled with empathy, flexibility, learning & growth.

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Turning points - go at a pace you notice

I was driving on the way to Adelaide, listening to the wisdom & inspiration of Elizabeth Gilbert, before attending the ‘Evening’ talk & the podcast discussion on curiosity, lodged in my busy brain.

I love driving, long distances most.

The way morning light, filters through tinted windows & bounces off the dash. The layers of music over tyres, over surfaces, through towns & new voices.

The mental landscape of driving has called time & time again, to the open road. Far easier for your thoughts to drift when there is no one talking.

Over a decade had passed, since I too had journeyed to Bali. I was off to pursue, the study & practice of yoga. I too had a chat with Ketut (if you read my previous posts). There were no life altering relationships, just a little fun & self discovery. It wasn’t long after my return, I fell into old habits.

The quote I like the most from Gilbert’s inspiring read ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, is;

‘at some point, you gotta let go, and sit still, and allow contentment to come to you’.

Sitting still has never been my strong point. Holding back from advocacy or justice is like holding in air. Driving allows me to practice stillness & listening. Being one with nature, provides the moment to fully exhale.

I tick all the boxes for hyperactivity, only it’s not a great mix with MS. Much to the surprise of many assessors, correlation does not equal causation or does MS only relate to limb mobility.

I am learning the hard way, the importance of slow, calm, gentle. If I don’t MS teaches me. Generalisations about the origins of my hyperactivity, have nothing on medical science.

Control is a mental construct & exhausting.

Believing we can juggle everything—eating right, speaking correctly, exercising, maintaining posture, behaving well, and being good—will lead to success & rewards, if we abandon our true selves, is the greatest illusion. Sh** happens. You can do everything right & still uncertainty is a disease with no cure at an inconvenient time or the nasty, horrible, hurtful or loving things others are capable of.

It does reward us when we ignore the present, just not the rewards which benefit.

Rewards, when we fail to notice what is right there in front of us; toxic positivity from shitty people, deceit, unsatisfying jobs, surrender to the tidal waves of ill health, stress, overload, burnout, trauma. Not all rewards are positive.

I know I didn’t travel nearly 5,000km to Indonesia, to discover the benefits of yoga, just so I could contort my body around everyone else’s needs. When I first learned about the practice of Aparigraha, releasing what no longer serves or nurtures, I was more drawn to this practice than hip openers & hand stands.

Hoarding attachment to toxic relationships, reward us with unhappiness, just as much as it can reward us with joy, when love is our present. Reward is just the polite word for consequences.

We all have the power to influence. Our experiences are shaped by stimuli, everything around us. You are a stimulus to others. You will bend or you will stand your ground. You will run from accountability or face it. You are the change.

There is a catch, there are no guarantees.

Let go of the control, exhale the BS. At least then you have a chance to know what is real, true & who you are.

There are no promises if you design a perfect life, it will not happen. Not in this life time, the past one or the next. No guarantees.

You can seek wellbeing & not prevent illness.

You might steer a car well, however cannot control the traffic.

You can show up as your best self, give a person every last cent of energy, time & money you have; love with all your might & not control how they love you in return.

You can work your butt off, be the kindest, nicest most helpful person at work & your inability to look the other way at wrongdoing, is just what bullies like to target.

Control is an illusion.

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Changing gears - slow down

The shift from control to presence takes practice. It also takes time.

When I am completely present, I am reminded of why the cruise button while driving, is so useful. There are far more resources available for noticing.

In tantric yoga it’s referred to as Madhu Vidya or sweet knowledge, as the practice of noticing the interconnectedness of everything.

There is no magic want or secrets.

Take out your hands, let go of expectations, grasp curiosity with your whole body.

The shift begins when you give yourself permission & space to move from certainty, to trust.

Noticing requires;

• Your breath

• Feelings without fixing or avoidance

• Sensing food / tasting it rather than just eating

• Your body / it has its own voice / get out of your thoughts

• Listening without preparing a reply

• You are neither thinking into the past or the future

Just like cruising down the highway to Adelaide with more awareness of my surroundings, it’s not about zoning out or dissociating with the present.

Curiosity isn’t a destination, it isn’t nirvana, a place you land, visit or stay.

Neither is being present always quiet, or without disruption. Sometimes it is raw, a naked truth, intense & difficult.

True peace is equanimity, it has been inside you all along. It’s there when you need it most. To return to you, when the present is tiring, sad or uncomfortable.

Curiosity is turning on the light to see more clearly, smell, taste, feel, sense life as it is, as we experience it. Without all the BS getting in the way from over thinking.

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Adventure - celebrate your freedom

I don’t want this wandering down the path of curiosity to turn into a prescription someone uses, a how to fix my life guide.

Did I already mention you are not a problem to be fixed?

When you & I were born, in different locations, to different parents, in different hospitals or rooms or spaces, with different people present, nothing about our experience was the same. Similar, yes. Not the same.

This is an invitation to curiosity.

You write it, you make the invitation, you let it in.

Your curiosity, wonder & experience.

This is what makes us unique. Although, at times, those same experiences also disrupt our capacity for curiosity.

My favourite time of day is before sunrise, to walk, work, write, enjoy the silence of the solitude, green tea in hand, watching nature do its best, as an abstract artist, paint the sky in hues of orange, red & sunflower yellow.

Each sunrise is never the same. It reminds me every morning, we are wildly different, here to expand each other, there is no ‘right way’ to be you. We are our own never before, ever seen perspective waiting to for curiosity to explore.

Curiosity opens opportunities for contentment.

Curiosity swings wide, doors towards peace.

The Hague, Netherlands (curious wandering from the ICC - Visit to the International Criminal Court & World Peace Flame, walk to the beach)

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Contentment has been so close many times, still not close enough. I turn another page, pull around another challenging corner, put down the suitcases, unlock another front door & no sooner have I exhaled long enough to believe I’ve grounded, the sound of tape over boxes rings in my ears.

Some say it is survival. I move out of necessity; work, family, health. I think it’s part instinct & the other part habit, one I’d like to have more planned action, with less reaction.

I returned from Adelaide inspired. I am pumped up in the places, which had felt flat; fuelled up, to keep going.

Not just from the evening, or my “Wow” moment, from the incredible women standing in the line waiting for our photos or those sitting alongside in the front row. It was the energy of our shared values, mid life no more BS similarities. Stories of hiking the Camino, travelling the world, leaving toxic relationships for a better, more contented life. There was an electricity in the room, it felt like an injection, of just enough hope, to move my feet forward.

There is power in unity.

I lay awake in the evening, contemplating the dreams of my childhood, the hopes of a young wishful thinking, woman. I revisit all the unfinished manuscript ideas, poems, stories to be told.

I thought of the places I’d visit, the books I’d write, the people & relationships I’d have.

There is no doubt I have lived a full life in terms of experience & opportunity. Although I was nowhere near the contentment I had envisaged back then, not mid way through my 50’s.

I switched songs on Spotify, created a new 2025 playlist. I prioritised motivation. Not lists of things to do, no more lists.

My heart had been drained of hope, in the wreck of collision between my values & deceit. If my soul is to survive death or so it is believed, I sit with the thought, what will remain when I am gone?

“This can’t be it” I said out loud, to my own surprise.

I have beautiful, incredible children with good values, not long entered the world of grand parenting. I have art, I have rediscovered my love affair with poetry, cello music, wandering without constraint among galleries.

I have my love of the bush, sand between my toes, sunrises & sunsets, solitude & authenticity.

I have so much to be grateful for.

What is this ache in a space, where hope lived or at least allowed me to knock on its door from time to time. Had it moved house?

I was the midst of all the life altering events, at the same time. Ill health, career change, relationships ending. The children all grown, sleep disturbance, where fatigue visited regularly. I was socially isolated, on the edge of significant change to my economic stability; one could say I was smack bang in the middle of a mid-life crisis.

It was time for self-reflection, questioning & reassessment of my identity.

I’m not sure where hope went, who took it or did I let it go. Was I so caught up in the busy-ness of life, I didn’t see hope close the door.

Maybe hope was tired of waiting for me to take it with both hands & be brave. Could it be, hope heard the words “if you’d just shut up & not talk so much” said many times in different forms, sat up & took notice.

I tried, geez I tried. No one can contradict my capacity to give it all I’ve got.

The women I spoke with all had one thing in common. We had reached a pivotal point in our life, mid way through 50, we could no longer sustain the marathon, through life with a full cup. Enough was enough.

Lots of tears & quick Uber fix later, I sat up in the hotel room feeling defeated.

Then I heard a tiny whisper (hope spoke).

“Maybe this isn’t it”

“Maybe you were never mean’t to be this busy”

“Do you remember me, let’s talk”.

I listened, heart out front as hope took me scrolling through a Dropbox ‘Ideas’ folder, favourite family pics, travels & joy. I took note of the shift in my body, the space opening deep within.

No wavering or ignoring hope this time. No giving up or ideations of surrender, to anything other than wonder.

Wonder in the incredible wild & precious life, to the words of Mary Oliver.

Surrender to freedom, the choice to be Tully, makes & raw. Tully with all the parts others don’t like or appreciate. I will hug those parts.

All the bits & bobs which trigger others insecurities, the projected suffering they expect my vulnerability to contain. The moments when I am loud, persistent, out front & righteous. No more hiding, escaping or avoiding. I will not fight, I will stand my ground. I will not step back, I will lean towards the discomfort.I will be curious with all it’s uncertainty.

I penned my Oath to curiosity.

Let’s begin.

Oath to Curiosity
To be spoken each day with presence and intention.

I vow to choose awakening to the world,
To meet each moment as new.
I will not rush, past the ordinary or extraordinary,
I will linger, longer in the quiet corners, where wonder waits.

I choose to ask, not assume & clarify.
To observe with patience, not rush by.
To be an adventurous explorer, in what I do not know,
I will question, even what I think I do.

I will embrace fear, not bow to it.
I will not let anxiety outweigh the joy of discovery.
I welcome not-knowing as a wild wilderness,
of fertile soil, where learning takes root and grows.

I make this oath, to practice:
— Noticing
— Listening
— Questioning
— Patience

I pledge my presence, to the here & now.
I am not lost, or a puzzle to be pieced together.
I am alive, in what is in this very moment,
I am here, now; I am unfolding.

With open eyes, an open heart, a welcoming soul,
I make this promise to curiosity,
a compass, a guide, a direction

A true north.

Tuls xo

or buy a coffee!!